titles are so last year

Well, the main thing I notice about the Prozac is that it makes me feel kind of sick. Only when I eat, though - the rest of the time I’m fine as daisies. Which is good news, actually! Because I was worried that it would make me gain weight, and obviously if I get nauseous every time I snarf down a scone I’m not going to be gorging on anything. So let’s count that as a win, shall we?

Speaking of scones, I’ve had this problem lately wherein everything I try to bake turns out horribly. Not just run-of-the-mill so-you-say-you-can’t-bake horribly, but like “Um, are you sure you actually measured all the ingredients?” horribly. To wit: the chocolate chip cookies which I have made before without incident and are supposed to be flat and delicious came out puffed and dry. I have to use almost twice the amount of liquid called for in my tried-and-true scone recipe, which is just weird, since I make those all the freaking time. I can only think that it must have something to do with the flour I’m using, except that when I tried using different flour the same thing happened. So my new theory is that my oven is possessed. Anyone know where I can get an oven exorcism on the cheap?

how i went to the doctor with cysts and came out with prozac

The cyst saga: it continues.

So here’s a thing: apparently the “many” cysts that showed up on the sonogram in New York have turned into two little book-end cysts, one in each ovary. Good news, right? Except for the part where they still cause me excruciating pain once a month, yes!

So no surgery for me; it seems that my body is well on the way to reabsorbing the cysts. KaiserDoc suggested going on the Pill for a few months so I wouldn’t ovulate; I explained that the Pill makes me crazy (bad-crazy, not fun-party-time crazy) and besides, wouldn’t that pretty much put the kibbosh on the whole second-kid question? We went back-and-forth for a bit, her saying “…or we could just do nothing” and me going “Um, PAIN,” punctuated by her leaving for ten minutes to take a phone call, which - professional! But what it came down to was that I’m not entirely comfortable with playing Russian roulette with my hormones, especially when there’s no guarantee it’s going to work.

KaiserDoc was reasonably sympathetic, in the way you sympathize with the crazy lady on the bus who tells you she’s misplaced her tinfoil hat. And speaking of crazy: I said maybe there was some magic combo of hormones and anti-depressants that might just mitigate some of the crazy, and KaiserDoc sort of jumped on that, giving me a delightful run-around about how she can’t recommend any one thing or combination of things because “everyone reacts differently” (which: OBVIOUSLY, but maybe as a DOCTOR you have SOME IDEA of which BCPs are most compatible with the chronically depressed, since I am REASONABLY CERTAIN I am not the first person in the world to be in this position) finally saying “Well, let’s just start you on Prozac and then re-visit the birth control pill idea after a few months.” So, basically: take some pills and quit being a crazy person, and then get back to me. Nice.

I’m not saying I shouldn’t be on meds, but, dude. Way to play up every stereotype of an insurance-company run health care conglomerate, KaiserDoc! Perhaps you can also sign me up for the newsletter - oh. You did. Right, thanks for that.

She did give me some Vicodin, too. So now I can be really high and also in pain. Yay!

to ie or not to ie

So, show of hands: how many of you are looking at this site on IE?

Yeah, that’s about what I thought.

I’m debating making my graphics into PNGs, because GIFs are lame and full of lameness, but there’s the whole “IE can’t handle PNG transparency” thing* and it just makes me sad to think of poor backward IE people, looking at my site and going “Why did she put all her graphics in white boxes?”.

But who is thinking of me in this scenario? No one, that’s who.

I could check my stats, but that would be too easy. Plus it doesn’t involve ticky boxes.

Fill out a survey! You know you want to.

(If you can’t get the pop-up to load, click here.)

*Yes I know there are hacks, but I’m allergic to javascript & refuse to ask Not So for help. SUCH IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE. I do the same thing when I need to rearrange furniture.

dooce

I went to see Heather Armstrong at Powells last week. Room was packed, but I had a fab seat. She’s hilarious, and not just because of the way she pronounces “crayon.”

back to basics

Why’d I call myself Cranky Mama again? Oh, right.

Here’s a list of this week’s peeves:

  • Yes, I can probably build that website faster than you can. No, that does not mean I will do it for 1/16th of my stated estimate because you ‘think that’s what it should cost.’ I post my rates prominently on my business site; if you can’t afford to hire a designer, don’t hire a designer.
  • That said, don’t come crying to me when your website looks like crap.
  • Especially if I did do you a favor and make some tweaks to your site on the cheap, which is RARELY A GOOD IDEA, so remind me of that next time, yes? 
  • Although sometimes it works out gorgeously, which lulls me into a false sense of security. 
  • Dear Public: Maybe you do not use the same internet I use. Because my internet gives me the ability to fact-check, while yours apparently just supports every crazy-ass idea that comes into your head. You should use my internet next time.
  • And on an unrelated note, having a long torso means low-rise trousers look terrible on me. Yet what is in all my drawers? LOW RISE, YOU HAVE WON THIS ROUND.
  • Hair. Specifically my hair, and the fact that it does not do what I want it to do. Why you got to be like that, hair? I style you. I buy you expensive shampoo. What more do you want from me?

Oh, but it’s not all doom and gloom at Chez Cranky! No sir and/or madam, there are plenty of reasons to put on a party hat and dance like the devil, and here I shall enumerate:

  • Easter candy. YES I SAID IT. Creme Eggs, people. I am just depraved enough to kidnap me a Cadbury bunny.
  • My kid woke up in the middle of the night and said quite clearly “The dinosaur doesn’t eat that. Okay, mama?”
  • Also: “Row, row, row your boat / gently down the drain…”
  • Clearance at Target = closetful of cute clothes for me. Yay Target.
  • I solved the Scone Issue that has been plaguing me and now have freshly-baked scones upon which to gorge. Burp.
  • I have mostly wrapped my head around floats (in CSS). Shut up, it’s exciting to me.
  • My new MacBook is all that and a bag of chips. It’s so sexy I keep having to stop myself from making out with it.
  • I’m almost up to 80,000 words on my book.
  • And stuff.

So, see, I am balanced. BALANCED I TELL YOU. Now be quiet: I’m hunting wabbit.

one down, < unknown number > to go

COVERCHARGE_LGGot a super cute pair of Aerosoles on clearance at Macy’s. I love Macy’s clearance sales because things are marked down so much it’s just ridiculous. Seriously, where else can you find the 40% off rack with an additional 50% markdown? (I am a sucker for a good sale.)

These particular shoes are a teensy bit big (which, I know, shouldn’t even be possible given the massive size of my foot-planks) but once I add some insoles or whatever they should be fine. Also, they’re red. I love red shoes. I wonder if they’d make me look whorish paired with a kicky little plaid skirt?

it’s a walk-off

After the 1,257th* consecutive day wearing jeans and a tee shirt, I started to think that maybe I could use some fashion advice. I used to be cute. Seriously! I had what they call “style,” which mostly means I wore a lot of black and had too many shoes.

my slightly more fashionable days(That’s me, circa 2003. Eagle-eyed viewers will note that my hair is remarkably similar now. Red stripe FTW!) I’ve been sort of at a loss lately as far as fashion is concerned. Not enough energy to go goth (plus, let’s face it, do I really want to perpetuate the Chubby Goth Girl stereotype?), too much belly fat to be hip, too old to be trendy. What’s a girl to do?

Then I started reading fashion blogs like the inimitable Some Girls Wander (which, like every other blog I come across at random, is by someone in Portland) and I realized that what it really comes down to is cute shoes and ruffles. Once you’ve got the cute shoes and the ruffles, it’s all good.

So! I’m going to start a) haunting consignment shops, b) combing sale pages and sites like 6pm and DSW (oh, let’s be honest, I was doing that already) and c) learning to use my sewing machine. At some point this has to equal cute outfits, yes?

Not going to ditch the jeans and tee shirts, though. I’m still made of me, you know.

*All numbers are approximate. And by “approximate” I mean “completely made up.”