• Post-partum depression? Try pre-partum depression
  • Nursing hurts like a motherfucker even if you’re doing it right
  • I will use the word poop more times in an average day than I ever have in my life
  • It will take much, much longer to leave the house
  • I will cancel plans at the last minute
  • I will leave the house without looking in the mirror even once
  • Breastfeeding will not, despite the hype,”make the baby weight fall right off”
  • My feet will grow an entire shoe size and every shoe in my closet will need to be tossed
  • Large breasts are not, in fact, fun
  • I will somehow make it through not just days but weeks on less than four hours of sleep per night
  • My kid’s drool will not gross me out, even a little bit
  • I will share chocolate pudding with my nine-month-old, even though I swore I wouldn’t give him sugar until he’s a year old
  • I will find myself comfort-eating and not have the energy to figure out why
  • My kid will exhibit classic gender tendencies despite the fact that we don’t insist he play with “boy” toys
  • I will develop a furious hatred of clothing emblazoned with trucks, sports and/or teddy bears
  • I will not stop nursing just because the baby repeatedly bites me with his sharpsharp little teeth
  • My kid will only resemble me when he’s squinting


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